Virtually friends

I came across this video a couple of months ago, and have watched it many times since. A lot of what this video said connected with me, and apart from the whole humans-monkeys comparison thing which tells us more than enough about underlying assumptions, I agree with the assessment.

An interaction with some of the video, then:

Quote: “Texting, emails, posting…all of these things allow us to present the self as we want it to be. We get to edit, and that means we get to delete. Instead of building true friendships, we’re obsessed with endless personal promotion, investing hours on end building our personal profile, pursuing the optimal order of words in our next message…all of which is meant to serve as a desirable image of who we are.”

And therefore to the degree that each of us is aware of this self-promotional imaging we will be unwilling to trust the presented image of others we engage with in the same space (no trust among thieves, so to speak). We do not open ourselves up to others vulnerably and do not expect that they do either, and so we do not ever actually connect with them in the meaningful, dangerous way that is real conversation. This is why for instance asking someone out in a setting that is not face-to-face is less meaningful. A personal message conveyed in the personal setting bears greater personal risk – and therefore carries with it greater value.

To take this from a different approach: Perfect people creep me out. If someone is always extremely bubbly and joyful and their words drip rainbows and diamonds…I assume they’re lying. While this is probably not a healthy point of view, I’d imagine it is a common one. Even with this there are exceptions of course – I am automatically drawn to someone who is joyful, artistically expressive of inner happiness, earnestly happy - but even then I’d expect them to have tears for sad things and anger for evil. No one should be always happy, because this world is not yet a perfectly happy place, and so the social presentation of such tells me that person is not opening his or herself to others, and therefore cannot be trusted to be open to at least on some of the deeper levels.

We are meant to make mistakes, and others are meant to observe them – and hold us accountable for fixing the sinful ones. The good ones recognize their own mistakes as well and are willing to forgive ours. True meaningful bonds are formed in this way. Our personal character traits may come off as odd to others, and while they shouldn’t be angering to others, they may be foreign enough that we won’t be close friends. But in the virtual space, two completely different people who might not stand each other in real life apart from basic acknowledgement can pretend to be perfect for each other, or the best of friends. All this in the pursuit of relationships, and the fear of being lonely.

I think this is also a great risk for long distance relationships and friendships. While both can last for months and even years, I do not think they will if the understanding is that they will remain digitalized and distant. Our deeper vulnerability and connection requires in-person conversation and experiences. Even between those who have shared real conversation and experiences and vulnerability there will still be a manufacturing and a marketing element to the digital conversation. This may be part of why handwritten letters are more valued than emails – apart from the extra required effort, it’s harder to market yourself when editing either means a very obvious scribble, or scrapping your letter when 2/3 of the page is written already. In addition, this is why talking on the phone or, better, on Skype, is favored over texting and emails. In essence, any time you have the chance to type something, there’s a chance that it’s been combed over, inspected, and told to improve its posture. Case in point, if I had spoken this article from my mouth, it would have far more tangents, nervous laughter, and be less cohesive than I hope it is currently.

Another quote I liked from the video: “We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel…less alone.”

This draws me to recall my first year at Redeemer, when I met and probably at some point talked with dozens of people. At first I felt as though I was finally getting friends again, and rejoining the social world. However, as I reached the end of first year it occurred to me that I still had a very large hole in terms of friends. I had many acquaintances, but very few people I could call friends, and certainly no best friends (those I wouldn’t really be able to claim until 4^th year).

Part of the reason that I did not have deeper friendships was that I did not really know how (still working on that in some respects). Another reason was that part of me did not want to. Close friendships are dangerous, because people can reject, and cause pain. In a world that is increasingly oblivious to what real close friendships are (for many other reasons beyond just social media) it’s hard to find people who will open up to you and provide a situation in which you can open up to them. In the teenage years, it’s nigh on impossible.

Side note: I think this is a part of why so many teenagers pursue alcohol; apart from the highs it offers, and the rebellion factor, it also allows an easy entryway into social conversation. However, like with social media, a connection via alcohol or drugs is not the same as a genuine lowering of the personal drawbridge. Either the bottle stays open forever, or the connection ends (which may explain why some people spend decades with open bottles). Mind you, alcohol can be a decent temporary bridge but it makes a poor permanent one.

When I did make some solid friends toward the end of my college years, it was because we had had conversations with each other, taken the risk of mistakes, and survived those that came.

In the end, what it comes down to is a willingness to open up - to even perhaps abandon the largely false connections that are Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and various other platforms, and to seek out the game nights, local diners, and hospitable tables of others where we may share experiences, food, and conversation, accepting that stupid things will be said and that that – along with apologies and forgiveness – is a part of being human and fallen. I still believe that it is possible to be open in the virtual world (and I’m not just saying this because someone will claim to be the exception). No matter how genuine you may be, however, most will not believe that you are. You will not fully connect. That is only fully realizable in the dangerous and potential-filled real world.