Two handfuls of wind

“I was still young and the whole world of beauty was opening before me, my own officious obstructions were often swept aside and, startled into self-forgetfulness, I again tasted Joy. ... One thing, however, I learned, which has since saved me from many popular confusions of mind. I came to know by experience that it is not a disguise of sexual desire. ... I repeatedly followed that path - to the end. And at the end one found pleasure; which immediately resulted in the discovery that pleasure (whether that pleasure or any other) was not what you had been looking for. No moral question was involved; I was at this time as nearly nonmoral on that subject as a human creature can be. The frustration did not consist in finding a "lower" pleasure instead of a "higher." It was the irrelevance of the conclusion that marred it. ... You might as well offer a mutton chop to a man who is dying of thirst as offer sexual pleasure to the desire I am speaking of. ... Joy is not a substitute for sex; sex is very often a substitute for Joy. I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for Joy.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy

Humanity has a fascinating capacity for grasping at the limits of sensory experience while depriving themselves - wittingly or unwittingly - of the true potential and limits of sensory experience. The reality of this world is that everything fades, including experiences, memories, and thoughts. Our solution is to grasp at it. The simple fact is that during our striving after this wind we have been consistently lied to.

This lie is best revealed in our willful trading of eternal promises for the very temporary and soon-diminished pleasures of this life, but I have already written about the hope and joyful knowledge of eternity with God and how it ought to balance out our rush to encounter pleasures in this world. I'd like to turn and apply the theory strictly to this life. For the purposes of keeping this short, I'll look briefly at food and dating.

I am a great fan of food, a fact that can be verified visually. I love food, with its abundance and full potential of taste. I love how food, enjoyed in the proper time and manner, cannot lose its savor - every morning and indeed every cup of water presents a new opportunity for the enjoyment of great food. I have long been amazed at the design of the senses so that a little of something partaken of intermittently does not cease to be a fresh experience. A new flower smelled once daily does not cease to be a sweet smell. A lasagna dinner or a bite of ice cream when enjoyed on occasion hold their same savor or sweetness as on the first day you discovered them.

It is true however that too much input for any one sense diminishes how much you enjoy that experience. If I shove a whole pack worth of M&M's into my mouth, I'm given a sudden rush of taste. I'm a few ounces heavier with a few seconds of overwhelming pleasure to show for it, but then I take a drink of water, and what remains then of that taste? To be sure, the sugar continues to affect my body, but the joy I experienced in that rush was fleeting. In a moment even the memory may fade.

I find then that too much sensory bombardment provides fleeting excesses of pleasure followed by long dearths (or as is most often the case, escalated partaking - the adding of one bag of M&M's upon another) and it is therefore a grand deception that we should be led to seek our pleasure in this manner. I find that it is also the case that the same bag of M&M's when broken into small amounts and spread out over time so as to maintain the taste in my mouth would provide a prolonged enjoyment of the chocolate which would encapsulate a greater part of my day's experiences. It seems fair to state that a half hour of chocolate would carry greater value than a brief moment, and if I consume the same amount of chocolate in either case it would seem clear which was the better option.

*As a disclaimer allow me to admit that while I begin to understand these principles now I am far from practicing them well, though I seek to more and more.*

I think the argument works just as well when applied to intoxicating substances. I can easily drink too much alcohol in 10 minutes time and be completely overwhelmed with the sensation of drunkenness and all of its effects (I must disclose that I have never in fact been drunk and so am only an observer of such effects). The sensory rush, the brain-addling, and the loss of inhibitions will come quickly, and I may have a good time for a while. Yet I can nearly guarantee that the speed with which those pleasurable effects came upon me would match or fall short of the speed with which the negative consequences come upon me after. And after I have thrown up and dealt with the hangover (and perhaps other repercussions for what happened while I was drunk), what then have I achieved?

Consider then a moderated use of alcohol, as it is one of very few intoxicating substances which can be taken without immediately becoming high or drunk. Consider what a party would be like if I decided to drink 1 beer each hour over the course of 5 or 6 hours (speaking as a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, that's about all it takes for me to relax) rather than getting wasted and remaining conscious for only an hour or two.  I've now had the opportunity to reap much of the pleasure of alcohol - being relaxed and socializing more easily - but I have traded those brief moments of being overwhelmed for the benefits of staying in control of my decisions and have extended the experience over hours.

I think the principle carries well into other areas. A relationship that begins with holding hands and quickly progresses to kissing, making out, and more is a relationship that quite simply does not achieve the full potential for enjoyment of physical intimacy. It's not for nothing that God commands sex to be kept within marriage. He knows that in our rush to grasp the greatest momentary pleasures immediately we are in fact cheating ourselves of the totality of the joy of closeness we might otherwise realize if we were to linger upon each moment and hour, first with holding hands and then with hugs and so forth. He also knows that the strength and depth of the relationship has a direct influence on the value of physical intimacy. He knew already what so many of us learn in hindsight - that the brain-fog of physical closeness that grows exponentially thicker as things progress physically also obscures and often renders unimportant the need to learn about the person with whom we are spending our time, and cheapens or overrides the sharing of unique experiences, meals, sights, and sounds that ought to be enjoyed in their own right. A mountaintop view, a three course meal, and a concert are simply not enjoyed properly when a couple is only using each location as another location in which to make out.

We are here in this world for a very short time, and we do well to take it to heart. That knowledge should bring about a yearning in each moment to truly grasp from the smallest experiences the most that we can - not to grasp the most experiences that we can and pile it all into one moment. We are not intended for the flood and drought of excessive consumption in any sense, and we allow ourselves to be so tragically cheated by pretending otherwise. Let us therefore daily consider how to make the most of each blessing, knowing that they will pass. Let us remember that they will pass so that we look forward to eternity where we will no longer grasp two handfuls of wind but rather the glorious everlasting Joy, which is all we've been really striving for in the first place.

....................

Video about a guy who took a year offline 

Also, reference this

What he talks about in the video about the total boredom after quitting the internet sounds a lot like psychological withdrawal symptoms among other addictions.

So, worth considering: Is America now, or soon becoming, entertainment-addicted? (Is everyone? No. Are most people? Probably yes. Also worth realizing: Not thinking you're addicted to something may just mean you're OK with being addicted to it)

Are we so trained to constantly be entertained, distracted, and connected to things going on, that many of us (case in point the younger generation with smartphones) are in fact addicted to the internet/constant entertainment/stimulation?

When I had cable I would sit sometimes for hours at a time channel surfing. Especially after 2am there was almost never anything good on, and yet I kept searching. Surely in 80 channels (only 80, I know) there's SOMETHING! (I *did* get a nice set of knives from an infomercial once)

So now I don't have cable, and I've realized I channel surf Facebook. I keep hitting the home button, scroll down the page to see new comments, check people's profile pages for pictures, all in pursuit of the new, the entertaining, the thought-provoking.

And books, games, other things...all these are boring.

I submit that the modern internet and especially social media is an addictive phenomenon just as is gambling, just as is alcohol and shopping and cable TV and so many other things. I think TV and social media/internet are two of the MOST addictive phenomenons available today. Our brains want more entertainment, more good things, more stimulation. With all this stimulation, we cease to see less active pursuits such as reading, which takes longer to present new things to our brain, as being exciting.

I know this: Beyond the borders of utter boredom lies a powerful need for productiveness. So, I'm going to explore a complete absence of electronics. I'll post my last pictures of Minecraft to Facebook later today, and then I'm off. My phone number is on my facebook page. My email address is  Kevinmbratcher@hotmail.com.
I'm not deleting Facebook, I'm just ignoring it.

Quietly.

No facebook announcement, just a couple of videos posted and anyone who may have heard of this blog at some  point may read this and know. I have found that publicly announcing a plan is one of the surest ways to avoid following through with it, because the peer reward is gained before the required ensuing work.

The first couple weeks are going to be mind-numbing. But on the other side I know the minutes and hours will become full of good things, because I can't stand to sit still.

It's time to totally reduce the comfortability-inducing aspects of my life, to see where being uncomfortable can carry me.

And maybe, occasionally, I'll type something and post it up here. :)

Forgive us our debts... as we ought to have forgiven our debtors?

"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors"

When you really think about it, this is a scary line to pray (well OK, most of the prayer is, when you really dig into it) If God actually forgave us as much as we forgave our debtors - those who sin against us - then we're all in a lot of trouble.

I've been thinking on forgiveness a lot recently. I think we tend to refuse to forgive others to the extent that we are oblivious (and usually intentionally so) of our sinfulness. And vice versa. Find a former drug/alcohol/anything addict - someone who conquered (via God's grace) that addiction. You'll be hard-pressed to find people more forgiving and easygoing and open than them. They know very well how much sin they've boiled in for years. Their eyes are often quite open to the wrath averted. Unrepentant sinners and those born without, or with "less" sin, have a much harder time with grace and forgiveness.

Suppose Bob stole thousands of dollars and ruined someone's life (or owed the equivalent of billions, to borrow a parable). Suppose when he was caught and came before his accuser, he was told that he had been forgiven it. One would think Bob would be extremely relieved. He would realize the sheer weight of punishment that he was just spared. And if he really, truly realized his sinfulness in stealing, and really was sorry, and really realized the judgment he avoided in being forgiven...he would be more forgiving and more gracious and more willing to show love when people sin against him.

Suppose however that Bob goes to a friend who called him a name, or punched him in anger. Let's up the stakes: Suppose Bob refuses to forgive or talk to or have anything directly or indirectly or by hearsay to do with someone who had not even sinned against him, but had sinned against someone he knew. Let’s make it even crazier: suppose that someone wronged his friend years ago, and has repented, been forgiven by God, and lived an upright life since and is striving to be a good Christian as are we all. Can Bob pray that night, "Forgive me my debts, as I have forgiven my debtors?"

Is he willing to risk that?

It is my honest and personal opinion that we are only unwilling to forgive others their sins when we're blithely ignorant of our own. Mind you, blithe ignorance of sins is one of Satan's favorite ways to mislead us, and we all prefer to ignore our evilness, so it's not like I'm laying insults or making a larger deal out of this than I ought to. What I say is what I have observed in myself, from both sides: either being very ready to forgive, or being very reticent. As my knowledge of my guilt and sinfulness and the relief of forgiveness is; so is my forgiveness of others.

The point, plainly spoken, is this. We are all utterly, totally sinful. There is not a day in which we don't heap new mountains upon the pile. And yet, we are forgiven. It has been wiped clean in Christ - we have been made new. We have been washed clean so that we are whiter than snow. The old man is gone, and by the grace of God we are putting the new man on.

Who are we to NOT forgive another man's sin?

Virtually friends

I came across this video a couple of months ago, and have watched it many times since. A lot of what this video said connected with me, and apart from the whole humans-monkeys comparison thing which tells us more than enough about underlying assumptions, I agree with the assessment.

An interaction with some of the video, then:

Quote: “Texting, emails, posting…all of these things allow us to present the self as we want it to be. We get to edit, and that means we get to delete. Instead of building true friendships, we’re obsessed with endless personal promotion, investing hours on end building our personal profile, pursuing the optimal order of words in our next message…all of which is meant to serve as a desirable image of who we are.”

And therefore to the degree that each of us is aware of this self-promotional imaging we will be unwilling to trust the presented image of others we engage with in the same space (no trust among thieves, so to speak). We do not open ourselves up to others vulnerably and do not expect that they do either, and so we do not ever actually connect with them in the meaningful, dangerous way that is real conversation. This is why for instance asking someone out in a setting that is not face-to-face is less meaningful. A personal message conveyed in the personal setting bears greater personal risk – and therefore carries with it greater value.

To take this from a different approach: Perfect people creep me out. If someone is always extremely bubbly and joyful and their words drip rainbows and diamonds…I assume they’re lying. While this is probably not a healthy point of view, I’d imagine it is a common one. Even with this there are exceptions of course – I am automatically drawn to someone who is joyful, artistically expressive of inner happiness, earnestly happy - but even then I’d expect them to have tears for sad things and anger for evil. No one should be always happy, because this world is not yet a perfectly happy place, and so the social presentation of such tells me that person is not opening his or herself to others, and therefore cannot be trusted to be open to at least on some of the deeper levels.

We are meant to make mistakes, and others are meant to observe them – and hold us accountable for fixing the sinful ones. The good ones recognize their own mistakes as well and are willing to forgive ours. True meaningful bonds are formed in this way. Our personal character traits may come off as odd to others, and while they shouldn’t be angering to others, they may be foreign enough that we won’t be close friends. But in the virtual space, two completely different people who might not stand each other in real life apart from basic acknowledgement can pretend to be perfect for each other, or the best of friends. All this in the pursuit of relationships, and the fear of being lonely.

I think this is also a great risk for long distance relationships and friendships. While both can last for months and even years, I do not think they will if the understanding is that they will remain digitalized and distant. Our deeper vulnerability and connection requires in-person conversation and experiences. Even between those who have shared real conversation and experiences and vulnerability there will still be a manufacturing and a marketing element to the digital conversation. This may be part of why handwritten letters are more valued than emails – apart from the extra required effort, it’s harder to market yourself when editing either means a very obvious scribble, or scrapping your letter when 2/3 of the page is written already. In addition, this is why talking on the phone or, better, on Skype, is favored over texting and emails. In essence, any time you have the chance to type something, there’s a chance that it’s been combed over, inspected, and told to improve its posture. Case in point, if I had spoken this article from my mouth, it would have far more tangents, nervous laughter, and be less cohesive than I hope it is currently.

Another quote I liked from the video: “We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel…less alone.”

This draws me to recall my first year at Redeemer, when I met and probably at some point talked with dozens of people. At first I felt as though I was finally getting friends again, and rejoining the social world. However, as I reached the end of first year it occurred to me that I still had a very large hole in terms of friends. I had many acquaintances, but very few people I could call friends, and certainly no best friends (those I wouldn’t really be able to claim until 4^th year).

Part of the reason that I did not have deeper friendships was that I did not really know how (still working on that in some respects). Another reason was that part of me did not want to. Close friendships are dangerous, because people can reject, and cause pain. In a world that is increasingly oblivious to what real close friendships are (for many other reasons beyond just social media) it’s hard to find people who will open up to you and provide a situation in which you can open up to them. In the teenage years, it’s nigh on impossible.

Side note: I think this is a part of why so many teenagers pursue alcohol; apart from the highs it offers, and the rebellion factor, it also allows an easy entryway into social conversation. However, like with social media, a connection via alcohol or drugs is not the same as a genuine lowering of the personal drawbridge. Either the bottle stays open forever, or the connection ends (which may explain why some people spend decades with open bottles). Mind you, alcohol can be a decent temporary bridge but it makes a poor permanent one.

When I did make some solid friends toward the end of my college years, it was because we had had conversations with each other, taken the risk of mistakes, and survived those that came.

In the end, what it comes down to is a willingness to open up - to even perhaps abandon the largely false connections that are Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and various other platforms, and to seek out the game nights, local diners, and hospitable tables of others where we may share experiences, food, and conversation, accepting that stupid things will be said and that that – along with apologies and forgiveness – is a part of being human and fallen. I still believe that it is possible to be open in the virtual world (and I’m not just saying this because someone will claim to be the exception). No matter how genuine you may be, however, most will not believe that you are. You will not fully connect. That is only fully realizable in the dangerous and potential-filled real world. 

If Shakespeare lived during Noshavember :)

To shave, or not to shave? That is Noshavember's question...

Whether 'tis nobler in the cold to buffer

With brittle whiskers the winter's cold

Or to take blades against a beard and mustache

And by much scraping, trim them. To shave, to sweep --

No more -- and like a sheep this cold to fend

The cold's ache planned by frigid natural shocks

That earth is heir to. 'Tis a consternation

I surely wouldn't miss. To fly, to flee --

To flee -- from nasty cuts; ah! There's the band-aid.

Yet then to flee from cold - what whiskers come!

Though we have scuttled half the morning's toil

We must take pause. There’s the respect
That makes a mockery of bearded life.
For who would bear the quips and jokes of time,
Th’oppressive throng, the young men, youthfully
Their pains for chin-based hairs, met with dismay,
Their insolence so offered, and their burns
A patient man of worthy age must take
When he himself might his mustache make
In a few mornings. Who would model theirs
In front…yet fret under those jealous eyes
But that the dread of freezing unto death
In open, windy country, where the mourn
Of travelers is heard, through cold distilled,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to southern countries we know not of?
Thus, coldness does make hairiness the call
And thus the native hairs of resolution
Are prickly o’er the pale skin of my face
This enterprise of great growth per moment
Takes all regard for currents turning frigid
And loses them -- with attraction – Yet we’re now
The warmer – winter, on the horizons
Be ne’er its cold remembered.

Living in the forever

The best thing about a life lived full of the knowledge of God's presence and power is that there need not be at any point a sense of despair. A grasp of the forever of eternity with God should cure us of a sense of wasted life, except in cases where we are intentionally wasting.
I think as a Christian I am able to live a life that in good times is full to bursting with today, and in bad times is full to bursting with tomorrow. Who am I to say that I will not heal when I am sick? Who am I to say I will not reap the harvest from an honest sowing? Who am I to say fortresses will not come tumbling down through the power of the Word?
I think it's silly that we spend so many youthful years trying to throw ourselves at joy, thinking that there's only so much of it to be had and if we misread the schedule that train will leave the station without us. You would not stand side by side with your spouse at your wedding, age 35, and mourn that you did not marry someone at age 20 would you? I should think you would rather be full to bursting with the overflowing joy of that day!
Why do we have a sense that there are these things which we MUST have experienced, these events and joys that we must achieve or we will have missed out?
We're going to be in heaven. For eternity. We have the best, longest, most perfect summer vacation ahead of us. In that sense there's almost a "So what?" that comes in when the joys of this life are cut short. So you might not reach a 75th anniversary. Did you enjoy your 40 years? Did you enjoy your 10 years?
Is there any reason why a 30, 20, or 10 year old who lived life in service of God and had joy has experienced LESS than the person who reaches 100? Not at all, for even if that person had an amazing 100 years they both have eternity beyond it.
Let us measure and drink deep of the overflowing goodness of each day and never lose our taste for the feast of tomorrow, knowing that the one thing a Christian does not run out of is time for blessings.
Sacrifice your good things when another's good needs precedence. Take pain so that others do not. Run yourself ragged so that others don't have to. When God blesses you with someone who will run themselves ragged beside you and share the burdens, then enjoy the added blessings and run even farther. We will live forever, and it's already started. How far and how fast can we get before we head further in and further up?

THAT'S it. Everyone out of the pool!

Billy! Johnny! Get over here, right now!

I want you to stop this bickering right now.

I don't want to hear about how Johnny Republican wouldn't let you play doctor with the whole country using all of his stuff, Billy. And quit whining about how Billy Democrat stole all your lunch money, Johnny. Pointing fingers and crying over whose fault it is doesn't make the problem go away.

Billy! Stop breaking all the things in the backyard. It doesn't solve the problem if you throw a temper tantrum, and all you're doing is hurting people who don't need to be hurt.

You had better play nice. Don't make me come out there and separate you two. I will send you to your rooms.

You just wait until your Father comes home...

(Excerpts of a conversation I'd like to have with Congress)